Learning to Lead Without Crashing: Resilience, Exit Plans, and Psychological Flexibility

This year broke something open in me — not just professionally, but personally. I’ve always prided myself on being strong, on showing up fully, on trying harder when things get hard. But when you’re met with hostility from within the system you’re supposed to trust — when silence and sabotage replace support — that old strategy starts to fail.

I’ve realized:

I can’t afford to crash again.

I need better tools — not to tough it out longer, but to respond earlier. To discern when a situation calls for resilience, and when it calls for retreat. I need a bottom line, and an exit strategy.

And this has led me to something Selda Koydemir calls psychological flexibility — the capacity to stay centered in your values while adapting to real-life challenges, stressors, and disappointments. It’s not about being unshakable. It’s about staying rooted, even when everything else is shaking.

Koydemir’s article names exactly what I’ve been learning the hard way:

• You can't outrun emotional pain — but you can learn how to hold it.

• You can lead with clarity, even when you don’t have control.

• You can act from your values, even when the environment isn’t aligned.

One part that hit especially close:

“The more you struggle against your internal experiences, the more they entangle you.”

This year, I got tangled. I spiraled. I tried to document and prove and push back, all while burning out under the weight of injustice. But now I see — I don’t want to build my career around trying to convince people of my worth. I want to build it around my values — and that means creating inner and outer systems that allow me to stay well, even when the work is hard.

Maybe next time, that looks like:

• A pre-determined check-in point in a new job where I assess psychological safety and support.

• A defined set of non-negotiables for how I expect to be treated — and what I’ll do if those are compromised.

• A commitment to honoring the toll the job takes — and making space for rest, not just recovery.

I’m not giving up on leadership.
I’m giving up on martyrdom.

And I’m learning to lead — starting with myself — in a way that bends without breaking.